Need advice for a short engagement - a few hangups though?

My boyfriend and I have known each other for a year now, and have each come to the conclusion that we are ready to pledge ourselves to one another for good. There are a few complicating factors that I'd be glad to get some advice on, though.





1. He and I are Mormon, while most of my family are not. We want to have a temple ceremony AND another ceremony that everyone can attend. We are considering getting married in July -- 3 months from now, which doesn't leave a lot of time for planning a traditional wedding.





2. Due to a prior commitment, I have to spend 10 months (starting in September) out of the country for graduate studies. He's contracted with his job in CA for another 3 years.





3. Both my sister and mother are getting married this summer, and I don't want to steal their thunder as they've been planning theirs longer. So we've been considering having a private temple ceremony in his home town, and then waiting until I return from my overseas studies in a year to have a larger, more inclusive traditional ceremony in my hometown.





Any advice on navigating this would be really helpful. I don't want the source of my happiness to be the source of my family's discontent.





More detail = more likely to get the points.





And please, don't use this as an opportunity to Mormon bash. Being married in the temple is important and sacred to me and other LDS. If totally confused about temples see www.templestudy.comNeed advice for a short engagement - a few hangups though?
The timing is really complicated, and I can see why you're having problems. As a caterer who has done this for others, though, maybe I can help.





First of all, don't forget to call and schedule the sealing rooms way in advance. The smaller temples or the San Diego temple (which is insanely popular) should probably be called immediately. You do NOT want to leave this until right before the wedding.





I'm wondering, though, if you need to have a full civil wedding. Part of your problem is that you're basically trying to have two weddings, and thanks to the nutty timing, I think you'd also need to have two receptions. That'll drive you crazy, and unless you plan to exclude members from the civil marriage and non-members from the reception after the temple marriage, you're going to annoy the people who will feel obligated to bring two gifts. I'm mostly concerned about the stress this whole thing will put on you, but even if you timed it so you could have one reception for both weddings, that's just too much.





The solution is obviously to avoid having two weddings. Do you have any objections to having a ring ceremony instead? I suspect that you don't want to offend anyone by doing something simpler, but most ring ceremonies can seem just as binding and formal as a real wedding. You'll still have a bishop or minister or whoever helping you exchange vows, and you'll still be in a full wedding dress and all that. It'll just seem like a very short wedding, but since it's not official, you don't have to worry about the civil ceremony conflicting with your temple marriage.





There are a few other benefits:





Ring ceremonies tend to be much simpler and involve only close friends and family (as opposed to your dentist or the people you wouldn't want to offend by NOT inviting them to an actual wedding). You also wouldn't have to have a second reception, because for these things, you can typically get away with just a dinner or brunch (and you can go out for those, so while dinner can be expensive, it'd still be cheaper than an entire reception, and there isn't any work involved beyond reserving the restaurant).





I would seriously recommend a ring ceremony. You could get the bishop to officiate, and you can have the ceremony in a home or even outdoors. Less decoration, less expense, a lot less hassle, and you wouldn't need to wait until you came back into the country, which also means that you wouldn't need a second reception anyway. Most just have the ring ceremony right after (though never before) the temple sealing. In fact, most of the people I've worked with have just arranged for those close friends and relatives to come to the reception hall (or home or whatever) before anyone else arrives and have the ceremony there. That way, you wouldn't even have to do any additional decorating.





Again, I've done this for many, many couples, and the ring ceremony really does seem to be the best solution for this rather common problem. Everyone will be happy, your life will be less complicated, and you'll be able to enjoy your wedding without the additional stress. Think about it, but feel free to PM me if you have any other questions or want more details.Need advice for a short engagement - a few hangups though?
Once you are married you can't repeat the marriage a year later. I would say do the temple ceremony now and whenever you are ready in the future renew your vows and have a celebration. No wedding dress though.. would be tacky.
If you chose to have a small temple wedding now, do NOT have another wedding a year from now. You'll already be married and it will look like an excuse for gift-grabbing. I suggest you have a vow-renewal ceremony instead on your one year anniversary.





But my main question is: What's the rush? You're going to be out of the country for over 10 months. This will mean almost your entire first year as a married couple will be wasted over seas. Wait until you complete your studies and then get married.
You're going to have to excuse my ignorance, but I do get the impression that it's more common to do the services in the other order - have your wedding, and then have it sealed in the temple. The advantage of that is your family gets to attend what, to them, is your real wedding. If you got married first, and then had a reception, they are excluded from that much more of the celebrations.





Of course, if the temple ceremony doesn't involve a legal wedding at all, then everything I said is just that much nonsense.





I'm assuming that the temple ceremony is as easy to plan as a church wedding is - i.e. that it takes about 3-4 hours to pick out your readings and hymns, the main delay (the one year wait) is the time limit imposed by the church. Given your exceptional circumstances, I can understand why you'd want to have your temple ceremony earlier.





I suggest that you talk to your parents FIRST, before you decide the order in which to do the services. Your reasons look good, but maybe your mother and sister don't care. Maybe they will state that they're perfectly happy with your plans, and offer to throw the reception for you when you get back from your studies. Either way, you'll remove a worry about your family once you talk to them.
It might be so hard at the moment but I would say to wait.





I would say not to worry about having your family/friends at the actual ceremony. Many times people just attend the reception anyhow. People will be understanding of your religious beliefs. If they're not, they aren't the kind of friends you would want at your wedding!





I have found friends to be very respectful of all religious customs. I've only been to Catholic weddings, and the non-Catholics there were totally fine with not getting communion and stuff. I would think that most people will be okay with missing the ceremony. Like I said, if they are your friends, they should understand how important God is to you.
Honestly, I would just plan to be married in the temple now. I wouldn't even wait until July. There's no ';big stuff'; you have to plan for a temple wedding. If much of your family isn't going to be there anyway, I would do it as soon as possible. Why wait?


I didn't really understand if your families are close by or not - but the day of your wedding or the week of or sometime soon after, just have a big reception. Have a big party. Invite your closest family - parents, siblings, to a family party the day you get married. You can do a ring ceremony that they can attend (because you don't do a ring thing in the temple) and celebrate the marriage. THEN, you could have a bigger reception for other family and friends shortly after - or even after you come back from your trip thing.


I would just not want to wait to get married. Once you've decided to marry, there's no reason to wait. And actually, since you want the temple marriage, staying chaste is going to be hard.


I say do your #3 idea. Get married now - like in a month, that's plenty of time to plan a small reception after your temple marriage. Then, take your ten months and plan something extravagant if you want.
I'm a little confused about your reason for a short engagement if you're not going to be raising a family in the near future. Everything you have put down here seems to lean towards getting married after you come back from your 10 month commitment.





I'm not totally up on the various Mormon traditions, though getting married in a temple is important. I believe the reason you get married isn't just because you are committed to each other and want to express that to the community, but that you are ready to settle down and start raising a family.





1 - 3 months is not enough time to plan a wedding, you should wait and do it right or you'll be totally stressed out.





2 - if you're going to be married for 2 months and then gone for 10, you should just push the wedding back and get married when you return. You've only known each other for a year, is the rush to get married because you're worried about the time you're going to spend apart? I'm not trying to be mean, but if you're afraid the relationship won't last 10 months of long distance without the stronger commitment of marriage, you'll want to really rethink a lot of things here.





3 - 3 weddings in 1 summer is going to be a burden on family and guests who are traveling to attend, it may be better to space it out to give guests a chance to make plans or you may find some guests having to choose between your wedding and your mother's and sister's wedding.





I would be very curious as to why the rush? If you're ready to pledge yourselves to one another for good, fore go the 2 months you'll have together in wedded bliss this year and wait until after you get back and spend the rest of your lives together. You'll have a lifetime and then some together, a year will not change things.
Please sit down with your friends and family and have a heart to heart about how they really feel about being excluded from the most important day of your life. I've know several people who were really hurt when they found out they weren't worthy enough.





If you do a temple wedding, please don't require those who are not allowed to attend to wait outside just so you can get them into pictures at the temple grounds. Your mother will have to watch you come out with the friends and family who were 'worthy' when she wasn't. It reinforces the feelings of rejection. Do some pictures of you and the DH at the temple, but do the group shots at the reception later.





Don't ask unworthy family to come to the temple to watch all the Mormon children (who are also excluded) while the worthy people go inside. I did that once last year. Not fun. Children can stay at home with baby sitters.





I believe you can do a ring ceremony after the temple at the public reception, but your bishop needs to be consulted about anything else. There are rules against getting walked down the aisle and being given away I think. Be sure to check. If the reception is at your chruch there are lots of rules about music too.