My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 8 years now. We've had our ups and downs like every relationship - sometimes we have a blast together and sometimes we dislike each other. I've currently run into a situation regarding my relationship and I'm having a difficult time making a decision and could really use some good advice...
Some important background information is necessary. So about five years ago or three years into the relationship, I found inappropriate conversations and e-mails trying to meet up with people that he had met in online chat rooms. I confronted him, multiple times, about all the things I found and he denied it was him at first, and then he promised never to do it again. He told me it was an outlet in which he could be himself without being judged. Ok, his mistake, maybe he had a hard time opening up intimately 鈥?I understand it鈥檚 difficult to trust people in that way. I know he loved me and would never actually go through with it, so I took his word and moved on.
Fast-forward to present time - eight years into our relationship or five years since the previously discussed scandal. I found him searching craigslist erotic services for all types of **** - men, women, trannies, orgies, etc. He's even responded to a few ads while I was at work 鈥?saying that he was available and asking if he could meet up with these people. I don't have any hard core evidence implying that he's actually met up with anyone or not. I鈥檝e been monitoring his actions for the past few months and he鈥檚 still browsing every once in a while. I know I have to confront him, but I feel like I need more hard evidence so he can鈥檛 lie to my face. I also feel like I need more hard evidence to justify my leaving the relationships. I鈥檓 just not sure what evidence I am looking for or when I鈥檒l get enough evidence to make a decision.
I've tried to get him to talk about any possible fantasies he might have and try to get him to open up sexually to me, but he never mentions any crazy things he wants to try. I mean, we probably have as much sex as every other healthy couple, so it's not like he's deprived. He JUST recently (in the past six months or so) opened up and started talking about masturbating, but only because I pressed the issue.
I am furious and upset and am not sure what to do. I know the easy answer is to leave him, but I feel like I've invested so much time and energy into this relationship. I know he has issues with poor self esteem so I kind of feel bad just leaving without trying to work through this with him. I feel like I owe it to him to try and help him through his issues. How do I determine if I should leave it or try to save it? I just don鈥檛 think there鈥檚 any trust left. I just feel like I gave him a second chance before 鈥?if I give him another chance this time, who鈥檚 to say he won鈥檛 do it again?Bare with me, I know this is long....my BF is shopping for engagement rings, but I'm stuck and NEED ADVICE!!?
You said it all when you said you have so much invested in this relationship that you don't feel it is easy to just leave. However,
the truth is, whether you are shopping for engagement rings or not, this man is not ready to commit his life to you. He secretly has other ideas, and my guess is that the two times you caught him searching for outside fantasies were not the only two times he did it.
You asked how you determine how you decide to stay or go. The first thing you do is you stop being sentimental about the things that are good, and then you take a real, hard look at the things that are warning signs or are bothersome. Were these behaviors to continue over and over again, could you live like that? For example, my husband, brace yourself, picks his toenails when he watches tv. Disgusting, gross, I've asked for 20 years that he not do that in front of me or he at least use a clipper to trim his toenails. NO luck. He still does it. I hate it. Is it worth leaving over? No. If he were trolling for outside sex over and over...well, that I could not live with.
Look at the relationship as a whole. Does he respect you in other ways, or do you feel second best? Does being with him make you the best person you can be? Are you free and unencumbered in this relationship, are you both better together than apart, or is this doubt about that?
Are there warning signs that he can not be trusted? Secret email accounts, protective of blackberry, time missing from his schedule?
Good luck.Bare with me, I know this is long....my BF is shopping for engagement rings, but I'm stuck and NEED ADVICE!!?
He's meeting them. What evidence do you need, to contract HIV? I think your boyfriend is a sex addict. Dr, Phil has info on his website...you might look at it.
If you feel like you have to check up on him constantly and you do not trust him, do not marry him.
This situation would really pizz me the hell off.......no good at all....
Leave do you really want to wait another few years till you catch him in the act or worse he gives you an STD
RUN
what is it like, to look in the mirror and see a person that's good enough to be someone's GF, but never good enough to be that same person's wife?
8 years?
who are we crappin'?
I am pissed, because I did read the whole thing when you could've just made it simple.
If he has met up from anyone off CL do you think you would know?
Do you think he would be honest enough with you?
Do you think if he like it in the rear, he'd tell you?
Come on, now, you are being naive.
For me, personally any ways... It would not matter if he/she did it or has followed through at this point. I'd kick them out of my life.
Because I don't deserve to have to think/ wonder or second guess myself about issues like this. THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED ONCE.
And yours has happened twice.
The only real way you will ever know the truth is if you put one of those computer tracers in your computer that sends every email made on and out of the computer into a secret email account.
And putting one of those cameras at home, and a device into the home phone, as well in his cell phone
Also, if you have a private eye, that spends the next month following him around,
Only then will you have some of the truth.
But you will always have doubt. stress, and trust concerns.
Best of luck
he has a sexual addiction that will not change, he will eventually force you into accepting (manipulating) and continue this behavior, i'm not sure if professional help will help some people don't see it as a problem . Live with it or end the relationship there is no grey area.
Walk away. I know that it's easier said than done. Ask him to seek the help that he needs and when he has accomplished that allow him slowly back into your life if you have not moved on yourself. Good luck.
You don't need evidence to justify leaving. If you don't want to be in the relationship, that's all the justification that you need.
To me, it sounds like your boyfriend is either sexually curious- like that of an inexperienced person who's looking to see what's out there- or he's sexually confused. I'm not saying he's gay/bi or even curious about it, although he could be. But he certainly is thinking about sexual satisfaction that he may feel, others would find abnormal. Clearly, he thinks that you're one of those people who would find him abnormal and he values your opinion of him to the point of where he doesn't want to disappoint you.
I've seen some of the posts on CL and I know exactly which kinds you're talking about. Some of them would entice a person who's curious because of the anonymous posting factor associated with a site like CL. Coming from the wife of a man who is an absolute freak- in the sexual sense- I would suggest that you not give up on your relationship unless what your boyfriend is seeking out, offends you. With my husband, he knows there is nothing that would offend me or that I would look at him funny for. Therefore, he's not ashamed to suggest anything or talk about his feelings. It is possible that your boyfriend feels that you may judge him and therefore don't wanna share his feelings with you. Even if you say you won't, it's hard to reveal something to someone you love when you don't know how they'll react. Keep the lines of communication open and don't be afraid to ask direct questions. If you know that your boyfriend has been looking at some weird **** on CL, you go to that post to see what it's about, and directly ask him if he's interested- but only what you're willing to try. If you go to him with what you know and reassure him that you'll love him regardless, and you be the one to initiate conversation about it, he may feel comfortable enough to be forthright about it.
Let me get this straight, do you feel that because you've been with him for 8 years you HAVE to marry him? If you marry him he's got it made. Do what he wants and you won't go anywhere.
Seriously, get your big girl panties on and dump him. If you don't you will be sick the day you come home @ lunch and find him in bed with a man.
Why do you owe him a second chance? It's a second chance to screw you over. Man! I can't believe anyone would actually consider a third chance on this.
I think that you answered your own question. you owe it to yourself first. if you feel the need to check behind him and you don't trust him then how do you think this will be a healthy marriage. he is in search of something and unless he talks to you, there is nothing you can do. you need to decide if you want to live like this or move on. he might change, but not now. or it might get worst. think about your happiness first. if he wants help he will seek it, but you can't force him to do anything. reality is that he might have already meet up with some people from the web. protect yourself sexually.
That's a tough situation.
It sounds like he has some sexual issues that need to be worked through. I mean, 8 years and he's just now talking about masturbating? In my opinion, masturbating is very normal and everyone does it. Yet, he's treated it like it is some sort of deviant behavior...
Okay, this is what I would do: I would straight up tell him that I know what he's been doing. And that I am seriously thinking about leaving him, and if he wants to preserve the relationship, he needs to go see a therapist and maybe the two of you need to see a sex therapist.
Make it very clear that you won't tolerate any lies or trying to get out of it. And be prepared to follow through. If he says ';no way,'; you have to leave. If he sees a therapist twice and never again, you have to leave.
Good Luck!
Whatever his thing is, it's part of how he is made.
He may never share it with you because he can't.
But neither can he give it up.
You will have to either call it quits, or accept that he will always have a sexual side that he doesn't share...and that it may feature cheating.
Try to give him one more chance, But I have to say, I know a girl who post ad's on erotic services on craigslist. She has MANY MANY married men that come to her and pay her between $100-$200 each time just for sex or a simple ********, I think it's the craziest thing I'v ever heard of in my life!! It's a good thing you found out because many women are clueless about craigslist. Have you checked his cell phone call logs to see if he's actually talked to any of these women?
P.S. I wouldn't take it personal about the tranny thing? Because I look on there and laugh at those postings? So maybe that's what he's doing? I really don't know, Just an idea.
Leaving is not the easy answer, ITS THE ONLY ANSWER! How can you marry a man you CAN'T trust and who DOESN't trust YOU?!
You stayed with a guy who lied to you about trying to meet others for sex. He first lied and THEN admitted to it. He is also very secretive about EVERYTHING IN HIS LIFE. He gets mad at you, if you get your hands on his cell phone?! He won't talk to you about sex or fantasies?!
Everything you mentioned in your statement, ARE HUGE RED FLAGS. I'm not sure why you kept dating him. Your BF is up to something and not telling you the truth. All of what you just stated supports this.
I'll tell you how my relationship works: My BF and I have nothing to hide, so no cells, e-mail accounts, facebook or myspace pages are under lock and key, he knows how to steal all the money out of my bank account, if he really wanted. If a person calls late at night (my friends do that a lot) I make sure he knows who called and why.
But, my BF and I, TRUST each other. We talk about our days, nights, friends, sex, life, etc. together. He would NEVER keep his cell phone or bill from being seen by me.
It sounds like your BF has not been telling you the truth, FOR A WHILE! He is hiding things from you, because he feels what he is doing is wrong, and that only makes things worse.
NO TRUST = NO RELATIONSHIP!
MY ADVICE IS TO LEAVE HIM AND STOP LISTENNING TO HIS LIES, BECAUSE MARRIAGE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE HIM, IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOUR LIFE WORSE. You don't want to be the woman who finds out, AFTER SHE GETS MARRIED, that her husband is gay or has been having an affair for years.
Sounds like it was 8 years you could have been with someone that wasnt always going to be sneaky and lie. Its good that you tried to work it out or understand that he has self esteem problems but knowing he is wanting to or trying to meet people for orgies and all is a red flag if it was carried out by him or not. Knowing all this and still staying is just an excuse to think one day he will change to what you think he will be and he is not going to.
Unless your ok with him looking up that stuff then why ask, you know it and are still with him.
It may seem weird but move on. You will then look back (when your with someone that will make you happy, etc) and think why did you waste your time.
A man will NOT change just because you are married. I know you've invested a lot of time into this relationship, but it won't be worth it in the long run when you catch him doing it again and again. End it now and save yourself the pain down the road.
hmmmmm
i say talk to him about everything let him know how much this is all bothering you and if he will ever be able to stop
he may feel sick for having certain fantasies and doesnt want to share them with you and thats fine as long as they stay fantasies
you dont owe him anything but 8 years is a long time
go buy the love dare book give it the 40 days and then see how things are there
You have tried for eight years, and he has broken a promise to respect the boundaries you have set out. Obviously, he needs some sort of therapy to deal with his issues of intimacy and feelings of lack of self-worth. Maybe you should separate for a time, and allow him to work on himself. Otherwise, this problem will get worse!
You probably can't prove that he met up with someone but you know for a fact that he tried to initiate some meetings. If you know this then there is nothing he can say to change that. If he lies about it then you know right then and there it is over. You need to confront him about this sooner rather than later before this goes any further.
You do not owe it to him to work through the problems, but if after 8 years he's doing the same things then this is who he is. Respect that or move on. If you want to work through with it, then do so for yourself but don't lie to yourself about it either: trying to convince yourself he's something he's not.
