It's become obvious that engagement isn't what he wants - any advice?

It's become obvious to me that engagement isn't what my boyfriend wants, at least not right now. We've been dating a little less than a year. A few months ago we started talking about engagement and the future. The talks were equally him and me. We even went as far as to go to Kay's to look at rings at try them on (it was his decision to go. He really pushed it).





A week after going to look at rings, he has completely backed off of the engagement talk. If I bring up something wedding related, he starts to look uncomfortable and either changes the subject or ignores it completely. He also has become very defensive when I bring up the fact that he doesn't talk about it anymore - he says that I'm reading too much into things.





My question is: Should I also stop talking/thinking about engagement completely?It's become obvious that engagement isn't what he wants - any advice?
I've recently just proposed to my fiance after dating for 3 years. Every person i different on when they want to do it. Some people prefer to date longer than others.





Also, some guys want to make the proposal a surprise. He might be downplaying it because it is coming up. He has taken interest in what you like, but don't expect results right away. He might get uncomfortable because he thinks you are on to him about popping the big question soon.





but that is all assuming it is coming up %26amp; he is thinking about it. Just go day in day out, if he brings it up talk about it.It's become obvious that engagement isn't what he wants - any advice?
Yes, of course stop talking about it.


And, it IS too soon - doesn't matter the age. Even 40 year olds need a year and a half to two years of dating to ensure the two of them are a match.


It's obvious at this point the two of you aren't - sounds like he was doing this to placate you.


Leave it alone or you'll push him away.
You have been dating less than a year... continue courting a while longer. You have made your expectations crystal clear to him, and he is backing away and making with the commitment-phobic routine.


Back off for now, but keep applying the gentlest pressure... as in ';after we're married'; statements and perhaps looking at houses at local housing developments.


If you can't get him off dead center in, say, then next 6 months, you should consider cutting him loose and moving on.
well.no you shouldnt i think if you really want to do it dont give it up. I mean dont push it either dont become obsessed with the subject let him know this is something you really want to do ask him honestly whats your opinion do you think we should wait are you ready because if you do marry its not all about one person you guys become one your equal you need to figure out what he wants and he needs to do the same for you .





hope i helped. ive been threw it.
Yes it is too soon to talk about marriage if you are both under age 30. if you are over age 30 RUN away from him because he is odd.


You should ask him what happened? Why is he so against marriage now? Does he feel rushed?


Ask him how long he now thinks is more appropriate for engagement? 2 years together? 3? 4? Find out how long he wants to wait and if it is too long for you break up.
it kinda sounds like he may ask but is feeling pressure and that may be were the attitude is coming from.





and im not saying your putting pressure on him , guys get funny when it comes to this.





i know my fiancee and i went to look at rings he actually bought one so i figured i get it shortly there after but didn't i was freaking out. and finally i got it and we are getting married next year
No matter who started what kind of talk, it seems pretty evident he's no longer comfortable with it. I'd drop it for a while and let him be the next person to bring it up.





Just to offer my opinion, under a year of dating IS too soon to be looking at rings. The whole thing probably freaked him out.
Who says you have to get married? If you really love each other, why can't you grow old together and start a family without being married? There are more personal, sentimental and cheaper ways to show each other your commitment!





Couples who marry are more likely to seperate than those who don't, and divorce proceedings are not cheap!
Yes, you should. You have only been dating less than a year. Back off. It is too soon to talk of marriage.





Your silence on the issue will make him bring it up. At that point tell him you aren't sure you really want to marry HIM. He will dog you to marry if he thinks you aren't interested.
I wonder if he has gone ahead and purchased a ring and is trying to keep the planned proposal under wraps for now.





I agree that a year isn't too soon but he's clearly not comfortable with the topic right now. Let the topic rest for a bit.
Let it go for a bit. You haven't been together very long so let him be for now. He probably just wanted to get an idea of what you would like eventually. Wait it out because he obviously doesn't want to talk about it right now.
Maybe when you went ring shopping (or just browsing), he saw the one he wants to get you and he might be doing a Chandler (from Friends) and trying to put you off the scent. A proposal may be on it's way!!! :D :D
I think you should sit down and have an honest, heart-to-heart talk with him--not about marriage per se, but about your *communication* on the issue. Because his behavior has changed so drastically and he's getting defensive, that's a giant red flag that something is going on. If you can't talk with each other about this, that doesn't bode well for a relationship in the long-term. (From my own experience with past boyfriends, I can tell you: you DO NOT want to be in a relationship with Mr. Defensive.) If he starts acting like his behavior is your fault, that's bad. Having to tiptoe around or avoid a particular subject? Also bad. Work this out now.





My now-fiance and I started talking about marriage %26amp; commitment early on in our relationship, but started fighting when we ran into similar hurdles w/ our communication. It took a lot of hard work and therapy (including joint therapy, which I cannot recommend enough!) on both our parts to get our relationship to a place where we could communicate open and honestly. Our relationship is so much better for it.





The two of you need to get to that place before you can move on to the next phase of your relationship (engagement %26amp; marriage).





If it can't be worked out, you need to ask yourself if this is really the marriage you want to have. It very well could be that the two of you aren't ready to be engaged--that's *normal*, these things take time. But, the two of you need to come to that decision *together*. Right now, he's only showing you that he isn't ready, and that doesn't cut it in an adult relationship.
I agree with your response to the others that think this is way too soon... It doesn't matter how soon or how late into the relationship marriage talks get...





People get scared of marriage. Its a big step for most people to take. Sounds like your boyfriend wants to get married however at some point in the talk he got cold feet and decided that it was a little too much...





Go ahead and back off completly for a few months... after a little while gradually start talking here and there about it... if you sense he still isnt ready, then take it slow.





I wish you luck...
I was in the same boat not long ago my now fiance and i were talking about marriage and i got all excited we've been together almost 6 years and we live together so we thought it would be a good idea to look at rings and such and after we looked at rings it kinda freaked me out a little not that i didn't want to it was just like reality hit and he was serious about spending the rest of his life with me and we didn't talk about it for about a month because i wanted to think it over and be positive that it was what i wanted. That might be all he's doing just reflecting on everything and making positive that he wants to do this. Just give him a break for a little while he'll be fine. =)


Hope this helped!


%26amp;%26amp; Best of luck.
Price of rings may have scared him a little. Do not talk about wedding things anymore. It's is way too soon in your relationship to be talking about matrimony and being pushy about the subject only will make him have more cold feet /resentment and he may see your insistence with suspiction.





Handle it like the adult you say you are and say nothing else. Do not hold a grudge or hang it over his head. Cool the ';M'; talk for a while. Remember that most couple's get engaged after two years of dating. I got engaged after 2 years and a hlaf and we are both working adults out of school years ago.





Good luck
That's confusing. Maybe he thought it was serious, but when the moves were starting to be made , it freaked him out a bit and he realized what you were both doing. If you agree it;s a bit early to do marriage, then there is nothing wrong with backing off for another year. I didn't see proposal anywhere in there, so maybe he wanted things to play out a bit differently. Maybe.. he mentioned it, wanted to see what you liked in rings, and is planning a proposal. The behavior sounds borderline serious,. He could be just throwing you off preparing for the suprise proposal, or he could just realize this got too serious too fast for him. Back off for now, and let it die. Then, in a few weeks, sit him down and ask him casually what that was all about. By then, he's had time to calm down, and the radar is off him.. if you guys love eachother, the convo should stay light and friendly :)
Chances are he wants to surprise you. Little does he know that it's probably all you are thinking about (ha!) If I were you, I would do what he says ... drop it! Don't mention it to him! And don't start trying to figure out when he might propose - he wants it to be a surprise. Just like getting married is important to you, his proposal is important to him. Let him have his fun!
I wouldn't back off ';completely';, but I would take a small step back for the depth of the discussion. He may have become too excited about it and jumped further than what he could handle. He may just feel like taking a step back. Other than that, there may be something that has just crossed his mind that worries him about the wedding. Only thing you can do is ask him about it, even if he becomes defensive. But I would give him some time off the subject so he doesn't feel pressured into the discussion.
Since you are marriage-minded, I think you need to decide how long you are willing to be a girlfriend and not a fiance or wife. I think 18 - 24 months is sufficient time. Don't give him an ultimatum. Give yourself an ultimatum. If he doesn't propose by the time you gave yourself, then cut your losses and move on.





EDIT: I'm not telling you to hang this over his head as a ultimatum. I specifically said that you should NOT give him an ultimatum. But if one of your dating goals is to get married within the next few years, then don't spend forever and a day on someone who is not marriage-minded. That's why you need to give yourself an ultimatum so you don't find yourself 5 years out with someone who is showing no inclination to pop the question any time soon. Give him time, but not so much time.