Advice on breaking off an engagement?

Our relationship is such a mess. We live four hours apart, we have for our entire relationship. We went on our first date in October 2007, and after that, we'd call each other now and then, or I'd drive to see him. He was also busy with schoolwork or family problems when I'd call, and he would never commit to us actually being ';in a relationship'; though I asked numerous times. Finally, in May 2008, when he graduated college (mind you, never invited me to any of that) we completely lost contact. I was a little down that it happened, but I just moved on with my life, dated other guys and went on like normal. Then, out of the blue in October 2008, he sends me an IM and starts talking like normal. Apparently, to him, we've been together this entire time. He tells me he loves me, which I stupidly said back, I believe out of reflex. So he tells me that over the summer, he went through detox because he was an alcoholic in college - which he never came across as but I guess that's his call. Therefore we can just pick up where we left off and everything is fine. Well, he finds out that not only did I date other men while we were ';still together'; but I slept with two of them which of course is the ultimate betrayal (I'm not mocking that cheating is the ultimate betrayal, I'm just mocking him.) From him finding this out in either January or February 2009, my life has been hell since then. From the time he gets off work or I get out of class, whichever is later, I am on the phone with him until we go to sleep. No time for homework, friends, family or just myself. I feel that every comment I make is scrutinized, for example me saying how cute this old guy was at a picnic meant hours of being yelled at/given the silent treatment. He has threatened suicide because I ';cheated'; on him, told me he will never get over it, will always have to live with the fact that he was not good enough for me. He made up rules for me, that this past summer I had to live with him and his family and do my internship in his town, even though I had one set up in my town. I was not allowed to go out with friends, to drink any alcohol when he was not with me. It was a lot like being grounded, just work and school, then my apartment.





The thing is, whenever we're together, we rarely have problems. It is when I'm up North going to college and he's in his hometown working that there are so many problems daily that make me want to run away. And whenever I bring up ending the relationship, he just tells me that it is just me giving up on us again like I did when I cheated on him. Our wedding plans have stalled because I cannot put any heart into it. Honestly, I'm not even sure I love him. All I feel that he does is throw comments I have made or things I have done back in my face when it is convenient for him, or sweet talking me when that works better in his favor.








I am not sure if just breaking the engagement, but remaining together is reasonable or if I really should just ';give up on us'; so I can be free.Advice on breaking off an engagement?
I think you should be honest with him and tell him much of what you've told us.





This relationship is not mature enough for you to marry. You haven't spent the time together that you need to know its the one that you want for the rest of your lives.





I'd say break it off entirely and give yourselves time - and I'd be secretly looking out for signs of some sort of ';issues'; with him - because in his alcoholic delusions he's convinced himself you've been together all this time and betrayed him. In fact he hasn't dealt with any relationship issues. He's probably a control freak. I don't necessarily mean you need to worry about stalking and stuff - he just may need a couple of firm nudges out the door, but you will need to watch for him.





You need to end it completely - I'd almost bet that calling off the engagement and remaining together will mean NOTHING to him - he'd still say your were engaged... and in his mind you would be.Advice on breaking off an engagement?
Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. You are asking for trouble if you stay with this idiot.





He sounds veryyyyyyyyyy controlling. And your life would be all about him and what he wants.
leave...you shouldnt feel trapped or punished. run like heck....hes no good for you and he sounds kind of self destructive....and those kind of ppl can destroy those around them so again RUN.
zzzz. are you done yet? hope so. here is the easy answer. dont answer the freaking phone. change your number. if you cant do that, then dont complanin that you have to stay on the phone all night.





i wasnt kidding. you are more than one half of this idiotic problem.
First he is an addict and wants control of everything you do with not any space. You need to break up totally with, but he needs help. Get him into AA. But, you need to back off from him.
You aren't ';giving up on us'; because there never was a real us. He's a man with a LOT of problems. To use an old expression, Gal, pick up your skirts and run!


I mean it, leave this whole situation and do not look back. He needs extensive professional help because he has mental problems. You might want to ask yourself why you are/were with someone who ';allows'; you or does not ';allow'; you to do things. ';Allowing'; is for children, not for healthy, mature, functioning adults.


Think about this. Whenever you're apart (after marriage), he'll be checking on you, and this includes while you're at work, with friends, shopping, church, with your family - - everything. Do you really want a marriage where you are given crazy rules? And I can promise you this, they will get worse. What if he disappears again for a few months? What will you do?


You never mentioned having any interest in this man, let alone any feelings for him. It sounds like you're marrying him because you don't have the backbone to say no. That's not a marriage.


If you have a lick of sense, you will not only break off the engagement, but you will not see this man again. I just can't imagine how or why you agreed to live under these insane rules. Please take care of yourself now before you end up needing orders of protection and who knows what else later. Get out. Stay out.
He's psycho. If you stay in this relationship with him, you're psycho too! No, seriously. You sound unhappy. I can't imagine how you must feel ';being allowed'; or ';not allowed'; to do things. Next you'll find yourself isolating yourself from people so he won't get mad at you for slights, real or imagined (by him, of course). Then he'll probably demand that you stop seeing your folks and your friends... Honey, you're in an abusive relationship. Get out while you still can. While you still have your sanity and your self-esteem, get out of this relationship. I beg you. Don't become another statistic.





Don't believe him when he says he's gonna kill himself if you break up with him. He's just using it as a way of controlling you. If he does try to hurt himself, then he's bound to get medical attention. Self-inflicted injuries most always warrant a psychiatric evaluation. From what you've mentioned here, it's my professional opinion that he not only needs an evaluation, he needs therapy and medication.
WHY?!?! Why didnt you say ';WE HAVENT TALKED IN 5 MONTHS, you stranded my @$$, so yeah I found guys that actually TALKED to me.'; Besides it sounds like you want to be FREE.


I was dating a guy, he up and disappeared and then called randomly and I chewed his @$$ out. ';WTF? Who do you think you are, f*ck no, I dont want anything to do with you. douchebag.'; ';Sorry I was..'; ';I DONT CARE WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE DOING NEVER CALL ME AGAIN.';


that was about the reaction you should've had,





BE FREE QUICK, run like the wind, strand his @$$ for 5 months and see how he reacts, what a psycho.
You sound unbearably unhappy. You deserve better. Break it off and move on with your life. Meet other guys and I know you will find someone who treats you like a princess and will show you that he values you and your time together. Ditch him. Or you will regret marrying this man for the rest of your life.
From what you've told us, I think you know what you need to do. He seems very overbearing and suffocating. You need to get out while you can. This relationship doesn't seem very healthy for you whatsoever. When trying to end the relationships he says you're ';giving up again like when you cheated on him,'; fine, let him say that and whatever else he wants to. You have to watch out for you first, not him. I hope you find your answer and make the best decision for YOU.
You are very passive in letting this guy just take over and you do what he tells you to do. You need to get control of your life and get yourself a backbone and make some hard decisions. If not, you will end up marrying this guy and that will only end in divorce later on. If you can't stand him now and you don't love him, it will only get worse once you are married.





How do you break off an engagement? You say, ';I really don't want to get married. I have decided this relationship is not what I want for myself. I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you.'; Then end it. Don't talk to him about it because he will end up talking you out of it since you are clearly quite passive and he knows how to manipulate you. Don't talk to him. Don't answer his calls. And if he happens to run into you somewhere, just say 2 words to him which is ';It's over.'; Women do this every day in unhappy relationships and you can too.
he has an inferiority complex and that can lead to abuse- physical mental and emotional. you said it yourself, he gave you rules- that is a control issue used in abuse. you said he doesnt think he is good enough for you which is another form of control and inferiority. he is not honest with you and he has a history of alcohol abuse. now if you had a friend telling you this same story what would you say to her? run right? well sister RUN. if you even have to question your love, you are not in love. it sounds like you are in jail ';so i can be free'; that is NOT a loving relationship that is a prison. you need to break it off and dont be controlled by his threats of suicide. he has other issues he needs to deal with and you have a life to lead. GO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE!!